EU Protects Citizens From Evil Google By Giving Their Search Data To Everyone Else

The European Union has long positioned itself as the global champion of data protection through the GDPR.

The regulation famously requires companies to minimize data collection, define clear purposes, secure user consent, respect privacy rights, and avoid unnecessary processing of personal information.

Under the new proposal, Google would be required to provide a reliable daily feed of European search activity, including queries, timestamps, coarse location, device information, click behavior, result rankings, refinements, hovers, scrolls, and other signals normally associated with things users assumed were between them and Google, revealing intimate details about users’ health, relationships, sexuality, finances, workplace conflicts, political views, legal fears, spiritual crises, and late-night attempts to diagnose whether a mole is “normal weird” or “schedule appointment weird.”

The Commission dismissed those fears as “understandable but insufficiently innovative.”

“We have taken strong steps to protect users,” the spokesperson explained. “For example, personal queries will be sanitized using a sophisticated method in which we split them into words.

Commission officials insisted that approved recipients would be carefully vetted before receiving the data.

“Not just anyone can access this feed,” said the spokesperson. “They must qualify as a search engine, an AI search service, or some other promising digital actor capable of completing a form, signing contractual commitments, and having a logo.”

At a lively panel discussion on the proposal, John Milton - the sharp-suited, silver-tongued digital rights advocate who bore no legally actionable resemblance to anyone from The Devil’s Advocate - leaned back in his chair and delivered his verdict with a slow, seductive smile.

“I like this,” he purred. “I like this a lot better than the American version. Over there they still insist on a judge. A warrant. Some dusty little constitutional superstition.”

He gestured warmly toward the audience.

“But here? No Fourth Amendment getting in the way. The people choose to search. They choose to type ‘is my wife cheating’ at 3 a.m. They choose to ask whether that rash is cancer.”

Milton smiled wider.

“Beautiful. Truly. One of my better ideas.”

At press time, 4,700 new European search startups had reportedly applied for access, including QueryFreedom.ai, SearchyMcSearchface, TotallyLegitResearchLLC, and a Luxembourg-based entity whose beneficial owner was listed only as “not a foreign intelligence service, promise.”

Source: https://techletters.substack.com/p/the-european-commission-is-turning

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