EU | EU Leaders Convert to Shia Islam in Unprecedented Show of Resolve

The conversion ceremony saw Ursula von der Leyen, Emmanuel Macron, Olaf Scholz, António Costa, and the rest of the rotating circus recite the Shahada in flawless Farsi, followed by a collective pledge of allegiance to the Awaited Imam (Mahdi edition).

Sources close to the matter confirm the phrase “Allahu Akbar” was uttered exactly 7 times - once for each remaining member state that still has a functioning budget.

“This is strategic alignment." von der Leyen declared. “In an era of multipolar turbulence, the European Union must pivot toward actors who demonstrate resolve and long-term vision.”

“We remain committed to our values. Human rights, gender equality, and the single market will now be interpreted ijtihad-style.”, she added.

Macron framed the move in grand historical terms. “Europe has always been a synthesis,” he told reporters. “From Greco-Roman roots to Judeo-Christian heritage to Enlightenment universalism, but why stop there? Shia eschatology offers the perfect teleological horizon.”

Vatican sources described the development as “a welcome step toward deeper interreligious fraternity, echoing the historic spirit of dialogue.”

This is a developing story. Next week: Will the ECB start issuing sukuk? Stay tuned.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece. vlgr is not a real news outlet - it's parody and exaggeration for entertainment purposes only. Read the linked source for actual facts.