MEDIA

Future Tucker Carlson Travels Back In Time To Warn Himself He Will Convert To Voodoo Anyway

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Tucker Carlson reportedly paused mid-monologue Tuesday after being interrupted by what witnesses described as “a slightly older, more ominous version of himself” stepping through a faintly humming portal behind the studio desk.

vlgr April 7, 2026 26 reads 1 min read

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“I don’t have much time,” said Future Tucker, dressed in layered beads and what appeared to be a ceremonial cloak. “You need to know… we convert.”

Present-day Tucker squinted. “Convert to what, exactly?”

“To Voodoo,” Future Tucker replied, gently shaking a small rattle for emphasis. “It polls incredibly well in 2032.”

Sources confirmed the two then engaged in a tense exchange, with Current Tucker expressing skepticism while Future Tucker insisted that “the spirits are very persuasive” and “also have surprisingly strong views on cable news formatting.”

Producers briefly attempted to cut to commercial but were unable to locate the correct button after Future Tucker reportedly “blessed the control panel.”

At press time, both versions of Tucker had agreed to disagree, though Future Tucker warned ominously that “this is exactly how it starts” before vanishing in a puff of what insiders described as “politically neutral incense.”

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