Goodbye American Burger Culture: Bill Gates Announces Upside Foods’ New Cultured Tank-Beef Cells Will Save the Day After Screwworm Maggots Finish Off Real Cows

But fear not, patriots. Bill Gates has entered the chat.

In a perfectly timed press release, the Microsoft co-founder and noted farmland enthusiast announced that his longtime investment, Upside Foods, is fast-tracking “cultured tank-beef cells” to save the American diet.

“While we regret the unfortunate timing of these maggot-related events,” Gates said, “this is exactly why we’ve been investing in the future of meat. Real cows are messy - constantly farting out methane, destroying the planet, and making the climate activists sad. Now Americans can enjoy delicious, maggot-free, tick-allergy-proof, climate-friendly beef grown safely in stainless-steel bioreactors.”

Sources close to Upside Foods confirm the new product line - pinkish cell sludge grown in giant vats and shaped into patties - will hit “select high-end restaurants” any day now.

Best of all, the cells divide forever - like cancer - so the supply is theoretically infinite.

The product is, of course, safe and nutritious.

Time to embrace the future, carnivores.

And whatever you do, folks, do NOT try to beam-pod your way out of this one — we all saw what happened to Jeff Goldblum in The Fly when he mixed with the wrong insect.

~~

What really happened:

• The New World Screwworm outbreak is real: USDA confirmed the first U.S. case on June 3, 2026, in a single calf in Zavala County, Texas. It’s the first detection in 60 years.
• In 1966 the USDA officially declared the screwworm eradicated from the U.S. using the sterile insect technique (SIT): they built massive “fly factories,” reared billions of flies, sterilized the males with low-dose radiation (so the males could still mate but produced zero offspring), and released them by airplane across the Southwest. Wild females mated with the sterile males, laid dud eggs, and the population crashed to zero. That same playbook is being ramped up again right now on the Texas border.
• Bill Gates has repeatedly called livestock methane emissions a major climate problem and has advocated shifting rich countries to lab-grown and plant-based meat.
• Gates has invested in Upside Foods since at least 2017. The company currently sells FDA-approved cultured chicken in limited U.S. restaurants; they have discussed expanding into beef cells but have not yet commercialized cultured beef.
• Alpha-gal syndrome (the red-meat allergy from lone star tick bites) is real and exploding in cases, but it has zero connection to the Gates-funded cattle-tick research - his tick targets a completely different livestock-only tick species and remains in the lab with no releases - yet.
• The New World Screwworm poses no danger through frozen or processed beef — the larvae only eat living tissue and die instantly once the animal is slaughtered, chilled, or frozen. This means EU imports of Mercosur beef (Brazil, Argentina, etc.) under the new trade deal carry zero risk of introducing the fly to Europe.
• Human cases of screwworm myiasis (rare) are easily treated: doctors simply remove the larvae from the wound and prescribe antibiotics. Full recovery is the norm when caught early, with no long-term effects.