TECH | Europe rolls out beaming technology to avoid collapse

Inspired by Star Trek, the system exploits entanglement to teleport matter instantaneously from one site to another - no trucks, no trains needed.

“We simply dematerialise goods in Rotterdam and rematerialise them in Warsaw,” explained an EU commissioner. “The Heisenberg compensator handles the rest.”

“We’ve achieved energy and logistics independence by opting out of physics as previously understood,” the spokesperson added.

Street-level infrastructure is now officially decorative.

Highways will be rebranded as “sport paths.”

Commercial rollout began at 07:00 CET today.

First customer: the European Commission cafeteria, which just received 14 tonnes of Norwegian salmon.

In phase two Stargate portals, inspired by ancient Goa'uld tech, the system opens stable wormholes.

No more perilous Mediterranean crossings. Asylum applications now beam directly to streamlined processing hubs in Luxembourg.

“This represents huge progress for human rights,” declared UN Secretary-General António Guterres as the first group of 3,000 asylants materialized in a Vienna welcome center.

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