EU Proposes New Tax on the Few Euros You Somehow Still Have Left

BRUSSELS - European Commission officials have unveiled what they describe as a “bold and necessary” study into coordinated wealth taxation across the bloc.

The 326-page document, released with the enthusiasm of a vampire discovering a new blood type, concludes that the only thing standing between the EU and true fiscal harmony is the stubborn refusal of some citizens to become completely destitute.

The report examines how to layer a shiny new European wealth tax on top of the already impressive national systems that have turned “taxed to the bone” into a lifestyle. Special attention is given to countries like the Netherlands, which is bravely pioneering the taxation of investment gains that haven’t even happened yet (Box 3, arriving 2028).

The document suggests a coordinated European wealth tax targeting households with more than €1–2 million in net assets, higher inheritance and gift taxes, and stricter exit taxes for anyone foolish enough to try leaving the single market.

The real innovation lies in the exit tax proposals.

Rather than allowing citizens the outdated luxury of moving to a country that hasn’t yet discovered the joy of annual wealth confiscation, the new system would apply a handsome “repatriation contribution” the moment you try to leave.

Inheritance and gift taxes are also due for an upgrade. The logic here is as follows: if wealth can accumulate across generations, that creates inequality. The solution is to make sure it doesn’t accumulate at all.

Why should your children benefit from your lifetime of overpaying taxes when they could instead benefit from our lifetime of spending them?

Critics have been quick to point out that most Europeans are already contributing roughly 55% of their income in various taxes, levies, contributions, and “solidarity” charges before they even reach the proposed wealth tax.

VAT rates hover between 20% and 27%.

Energy is taxed like a luxury good.

Now the plan is to tax the remaining existence of whatever survived all the previous rounds.

Supporters of the measure argue this is simply about fairness. “Some people still have savings,” one Brussels-adjacent commentator noted. “That’s not fair to the people who don’t. The solution is obvious: make sure nobody has savings.”

Ordinary citizens have responded with the weary acceptance of people who have already lived through multiple rounds of “you will own nothing and be happy” rebranding.

One resident said: “They tax what I earn. They tax what I spend. They tax the roof over my head. Now they want to tax the roof itself. At this rate the only thing I’ll truly own by 2030 is my EU passport and the right to complain about it in 24 official languages.”

The study stops short of actually proposing legislation.

It merely “explores options” and “maps possibilities".

Officials were quick to clarify that this is “just a study.” However, they added that member states will naturally be expected to transpose the recommendations into national law “in a harmonized and timely manner.”

Failure to do so could result in “market distortions” and “infringement procedures”.

Austria has already begun preparing the necessary legislation.

“We like to be proactive,” said one senior official.

True to form, the Social Democratic Party of Austria under Andi Babler - the former forklift driver, now Vice Chancellor and culture minister - has been pushing hard for its own domestic version.

The party’s “millionaire’s tax” model proposes a wealth tax starting at 0.5 percent above 1 million euros (with primary residences protected up to 1.5 million euros), while also demanding the reintroduction of inheritance and gift taxes at rates between 25 percent and 50 percent on larger estates, because “capital and wealth must contribute more,” apparently unaware that most people already feel they have contributed quite enough just by continuing to exist in this tax jurisdiction.

The real kicker is where some of that money is apparently headed: straight into the pockets of performance artists whose signature work involves bathing in urine, with one such project reportedly securing €600,000 in funding connected to Babler and SPÖ-linked arts support.

In the meantime, citizens are encouraged to embrace the official new slogan:

“Everything you have is on loan from the collective.”