French President Declares Historic Moment: Literally Everyone Hates Europe Now
"This is a unique moment where a US president, a Russian president, and a Chinese president are dead against the Europeans," Macron declared. "This is the right moment for us. Wake up!"
Sources close to the situation confirmed that "wake up" in this context means "please stop pretending we still matter on the global stage."
Sources close to the Élysée Palace confirmed that Macron's definition of a "unique moment" involves the entire planet laughing at Brussels' latest five-year plan for carbon neutrality, deindustrialization and pronouns.
The solution, according to the Macron school of thought, is to accelerate toward "strategic independence" by talking tougher and perhaps starting a few more defense initiatives. In Ukraine.
Insiders note that Macron's master plan includes a capital markets union, "European preference" for companies, and finally implementing the Draghi report – all while politely declining to address why European electricity costs roughly twice what American factories pay.
"Overregulation?" one anonymous EU commissioner whispered. "Never heard of her."
The irony reached new heights after Spain, Italy, and others denied American bases and airspace for operations aimed at reopening the Strait of Hormuz.
According to officials, Europe is thrilled to retain the moral high ground even as Washington is openly questioning the value of keeping roughly 100,000 troops in Europe at a cost of about $60 billion a year.
European leaders stressed that the continent remains fully committed to defending democracy, freedom, and human rights, provided doing so does not require military readiness, affordable energy, secure supply chains, controlled borders, or saying anything rude on social media.
"We stand for our principles," said one senior EU official. "We stand for them very firmly, usually in a circle."
Ordinary Europeans, meanwhile, remain deeply committed to their grandparents’ values and are increasingly curious whether those values can survive the people currently managing them.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece. vlgr is not a real news outlet - it's parody and exaggeration for entertainment purposes only
You might also like
