“Rockets Are Hard”: Blue Origin Pivots to Sub-Orbital Confetti Delivery as Prime Subscription Prices Skyrocket

Jeff Bezos commented a few hours after the explosion. “All personnel are accounted for and safe. It’s too early to know the root cause but we’re already working to find it. Very rough day, but we’ll rebuild whatever needs rebuilding and get back to flying. It’s worth it.”

To offset development costs and “ensure continued innovation,” Amazon announced that Prime subscription prices will rise by $49 per year starting next month. The new tier, dubbed Prime Orbital, includes a commemorative “I Survived the New Glenn Static Fire” digital badge.

Elon Musk, watching the spectacle from his usual front-row seat, offered the single most devastating three-word review in aerospace history: “Most unfortunate. Rockets are hard.”

Blue Origin has already scheduled three more launch tests for the coming months.

Insiders say the goal is to achieve “full orbital party mode” by 2028 - just in time for Amazon’s 34th Prime Day.

When reached for comment, a Blue Origin spokesperson said only: “Please renew your Prime membership.”