SPACE | Aliens Abruptly U-Turn Toward Earth After Realizing Strait of Hormuz Blockade Is Peak Entertainment

Interstellar Desk - April 1, 2026

Experts say the visitors were already halfway out of the solar system when they caught wind of Iran's partial blockade of the Strait of Hormuz, the ongoing $2 million-per-tanker tollbooth, and the resulting global oil price chaos.

"These guys left too early," said Dr. Harlan Voss of the Center for Cosmic Schadenfreude. "Then they saw 2,000 ships stranded, Europe sweating bullets, and Asia rationing fuel like it's 1973. They immediately hit the brakes. One insider transmission simply read: 'This telenovela slaps. Popcorn.'"

Sources close to the aliens claim the visitors are particularly excited about the midterms angle: "premium drama" with $6 gas.

Avi Loeb, when shown the updated trajectory data, reportedly just smiled and said, "Nice."

At press time, the aliens were said to be setting up lawn chairs near the asteroid belt, eagerly awaiting the next episode of "Who Gets to Charge What for Black Goo in a Narrow Waterway."

This is 100% satirical April Fools' content. 3I/ATLAS is actually outbound and fading away.