POLITICS

Zelenski Phones Putin: “Keep the Bombs Coming - War Is Good for Business!”

Kyiv, Ukraine – In a leaked hotline call that has diplomats choking on their borscht, President Volodymyr Zelenski reportedly urged Russian President Vladimir Putin to maintain a “healthy level of bombardment” because, as he allegedly put it, “peace would ruin the golden goose.”

vlgr March 30, 2026 29 reads 1 min read

#EUROPE #RUSSIA #UKRAINE #WAR

“Vlad, buddy, Ukraine isn’t the breadbasket of Europe anymore - we’re the weapon export center of Europe now!” Zelenski is said to have joked. “Your missiles keep the donations rolling in - cash, luxury declarations under Mom’s name, and enough disability pensions for half the customs office. EU taxpayers foot the bill, while we export battle-tested drones to the Gulf states.

My inner circle calls it ‘Operation Midas 2.0.’ Don’t go soft on us now!”

Sources close to the Presidential Office (who wished to remain in their Swiss chalets) explained the logic: prolonged conflict means sustained international funding, energy sector “reconstruction” contracts, and creative asset management - such as that charming 40-million-UAH Zakarpattia estate and BMW X7 parked under family loans.

Putin reportedly listened in icy silence, then let out a low, contemptuous snort before hanging up without a word.

Zelenskyy’s team quickly denied the call, calling it “Russian disinformation,” while reminding reporters that any strong peace deal must not “prolong the war.” Meanwhile, ordinary Ukrainians continue dodging both shells and mobilization notices, wondering when the business meeting ends.

Source: https://x.com/Panchenko_X/status/2038453933744558504

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece. vlgr is not a real news outlet—it's parody and exaggeration for entertainment purposes only. Read the linked source for actual facts.