BRUSSELS | EU Reassures Citizens 350GB Data Leak Contained “Mostly To Things Nobody Reads Anyway”

“We want to reassure the public,” said an unnamed spokesperson. “The vast majority of the leaked material was already completely useless before it was stolen.”

Cybersecurity experts confirmed the breach may have exposed internal EU communications, but added that “after reading three paragraphs, most attackers likely gave up voluntarily.”

Meanwhile, officials emphasized that the upcoming digital ID system remains “safe, efficient, and absolutely essential,” clarifying that future data will be stored “much more securely, in harder-to-find folders.”

At press time, the EU had announced the formation of a new task force to investigate the breach, consisting of 42 members, 18 subcommittees, and one shared Google Doc that no one has permission to edit.

Sources close to the investigation report that the unidentified hacker group initially celebrated the breach, only to suffer what experts are calling a “catastrophic cognitive overload event”.

The group reportedly attempted to delete the data, but failed after encountering a 47-step internal EU deletion protocol included in the files and somehow registered a small business in Belgium.

At press time, the hacker group was last seen uploading the entire dataset back with a note reading: “Please. Take it back. We didn’t know.”

Source: https://ec.europa.eu/commission/presscorner/detail/en/ip_26_748

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece. vlgr is not a real news outlet—it's parody and exaggeration for entertainment purposes only. Read the linked source for actual facts.