POLITICS

Europe Celebrates End Of US Hegemony By Joyfully Returning To Druidic Times

BRUSSELS - European leaders declared the long-awaited end of American hegemony on Tuesday, hailing it as the dawn of a glorious new era of independence, self-reliance, and definitely not freezing to death in the dark.

vlgr April 7, 2026 36 reads 1 min read

#AGENDA 2030 #DEMOCRACY #DEMONS #ENERGY #EUROPE #ISLAM #USA

"Free at last from Yankee pressure!" beamed Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, in a flowing hemp robe. "Now we embrace our true heritage: sacred groves, oak rituals, and net-zero shivering."

Even Europe's Muslim communities joined the movement, with thousands reportedly converting to Druidism en masse. "Allahu Akbar was fine, but the oaks called louder," said one recent convert in Malmö, trading his prayer rug for a wicker staff.

People of Europe are reportedly embracing the transition by retrofitting Soviet-era panel houses with wood-burning furnaces - without any nasty coal, nuclear, or Russian gas, but with plenty of proper magic this time.

At press time, Brussels announced a new subsidy program encouraging citizens to “burn responsibly” and avoid summoning anything older than the EU itself.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece. vlgr is not a real news outlet - it's parody and exaggeration for entertainment purposes only. Read the linked source for actual facts.